I’m currently typing this while 30,000 feet in the air on an aeroplane.

Yes. It is amazing.

Internet and T.V. all available for purchase on a giant metal tube rocketing through the air hundreds of miles per hour.  And somehow, I still get annoyed when they don’t work perfectly, or when I can’t watch reruns of CSI: NY on Netflix because apparently United airlines hates freedom.

Yes I know this is really close to a Louis C.K. joke but he didn’t say the bit about CSI: NY so…you…SHUT UP, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

*Clears Throat* I mean…business trips? Am I right?

I’ve been traveling for work for a while now and as such consider myself a bit of an expert in air travel. Here are a few tips and tricks that will help make your experience that much better.

Security Checkpoint:

• Wear easy to remove shoes to avoid delaying yourself or other passengers
• Put all loose items into your jacket pockets or a carry on to limit accidental “tag alongs”
• Do not sun tan or grow a beard for at least a month before any travel
• Keep your toiletries in a clear plastic bag!

Airplane Etiquette

• When finding your seat place your bag in the overhead and get out of the aisle as quickly as possible.
• Grab all of your “must haves” and put them into the pocket of the seat in front of you for easy access during the flight
• Get extra space by immediately introducing yourself to your seat mates as a generally “farty” person and whispering the name of your most recently deceased pet.
• Hydrate!

I hope these tips and tricks help you on your next vacation or business trip or on a grayhound going to Florida the day after you bet all your money on a horse named “Miracles and Wishes come true” and the only messages on your voicemail are from Tony’s thugs and you really want to avoid becoming another body at the bottom of the Chicago river…or if you’re visiting family for the holidays!

Kisses yall!

The Blob